Just Saying

Four days in a row I was feeling great, then bam, the tremors and anxiety came back.  When I get the tremors my blood pressure automatically goes up. Panic attacks and stress enter the board game and I suffer through it until a good day arrives once again. Along with it was the irritating pulse I could hear in my ear and feel in my temple and foot.

I absolutely hate my internal tremors. I also hate going to doctors. I think a lot of us think like me as far as doctors go. We expect for them to know the answers. We don’t want to hear it could be our own selves causing our medical issues.

Sometimes I cling to the fact that my daughter is a big witness to the times I struggle to stand up or slant. It is as if I know no matter what the doctors state, me and my daughter know better. I am not crazy.

After my sugars bottomed out on me a couple of weeks now at nights and the feeling of the pulse I decided to go to my family doctor today. Granted he and I are new to each other. He doesn’t know my weaknesses yet and I sometimes hesitate to speak about them because I don’t want him speaking into his little microphone saying, this gals crazy.

I talked to him today more than I did first visit. I let him know my phobia about taking medications. I let him know I haven’t located a job yet and I told him I am much more high-strung that I used to be since my brother died.

I hated each word he repeated more than once to me; letting me know I was not my daughter’s responsibility, that she had her own life. I am not sure why he kept saying this but it hit a bruised area of my heart because I stress over this anyways.

I don’t want to be a burden to anyone, but especially not to any of my children. I am the mom here. The rules are, kids come to me, not mom go to them. It is my responsibility to find my own job and friends, I understand this.

I find myself leaning more on my daughter for company, not really giving her the much-needed space she needs after working full-time. I explained to the doctor that I understood and tried hard to not over do my welcome.

He listened to all I said and then changed one of my diabetic medications. He wants me to start physical therapy to try to strengthen my legs. I thought that was a good idea until the hospital called and told me that therapy was twice a week at forty-dollars co-pay each visit. She said at first it may be three times a week.

I am sorry, but right now without a job, I can’t afford this. I wish medical help really was affordable for all. When I lived up north I didn’t have to pay a premium for my Medicare second insurance. Here, I do. It is on the higher side of hitting that mark of 100 dollars per month.

I still have to pay forty-five dollars for one of my medications. I have to pay a co-pay to see a primary doctor and even more for a specialist. By the time I pay out all the insurance wants, would I have enough to get my own food and utilities paid? It would be difficult.

If I go back to straight Medicare, it is risky also because they pay only 80% and I would have all the balance left plus I would still have to get a separate insurance for prescriptions.

It is no wonder I sit here stressed. Thinking about money, lack of, getting a job, keeping up with bills, is quite a handful. I think about exercise and walking but I am a little wobbly for that. If I don’t exercise, media says I set myself up for strokes and heart attacks.

It is a crazy world. What in the world did Adam and Eve do when there was no medical insurance and they got sick? Hard to believe life was more simple at one time. I probably got side-tracked here from my point I tried to make; but I guess what I am really doing is writing my own thoughts to try to clear my mind.me, nov 14