You Gave Me Permission

dreams and wishes. 62/365 (Photo credit: nicole.pierce.photography ♥)

You gave me  permission to cry, so I am doing it, just a tear or two but still a cry for me. I didn’t sleep that well last night, so when Al took his nap, I decided to take one also. I knew the caregiver would be here at five, so I had an  hour to nap. I didn’t fall asleep right away. I must have been too tired. I had not been able to talk to Al yet on the hopes of the chair, and I was thinking still about how he was so upset with me. Maybe now that I still haven’t done it, I should wait to see if he actually gets approved also by the neurologist on Friday. I must have finally slept, because I had this dream that Al was bending over me calling my name. I heard him call my name twice before I said, what do you want. He was crying and told me that no one cared about him anymore. That he must be doing something wrong to chase the caregivers away. I don’t know exactly what I had said, but I remember mumbling to him, to go back to his bed, the caregiver would be here at five. It wasn’t time yet. I rolled over on my side, and he sat on the couch beside me and cried. I sat up in my dream and was surely showing him my dissatisfied side. I was exhausted from constantly trying to assure Al that people loved him. That people didn’t make fun of his tremors, that they didn’t stare at him. I just wanted him to go away and leave me alone. He got up and walked away, and I changed my dream from aggravated to something nice. I don’t know the time that went by but the dream came back. There he was standing over me again. I could feel his tears dripping on my face. I wiped them away, and tried so hard to have my peaceful dream, and much-needed nap. He said no more, but then I heard the front door open up. This scared me awake, and I noticed he was actually going outside. I wasn’t dreaming anymore, I was wide awake. I jumped off of the couch and went to the door to see what he was doing. He was going to get the daily newspaper. Geesh! Give me a heart attack! I watched him walk back in, and saw that his face was full of tears. He sat beside me on the couch and we just looked at each other without saying any words. His mind was wide awake, and mine wasn’t.  I looked away from him and looked at the clock. It was five thirty, No caregiver. I got my phone and called her number, and it was being forwarded to her message center. I hate that with a passion. If you are not going to show up, for heaven’s sake, give me a call. Don’t force me to call you and then you have no guts to answer the phone. I realized by looking at Al’s tears, comforting him that I would give him his shower, and no caregiver, this had not been a dream. I was back in the reality world, again.