Hanging On To You

Lord Howe Island snorkeling – Double headed wrasse clown fish and others (Photo credit: Percita)

Hi bloggers. I am writing to each of you that respond to me, all in one blog reading.

I don’t feel well today. I don’t normally make it an plan of action  to write this many blogs in so few hours, but I need your friendship at this moment.

Good news. I have hired a respite caregiver. Her name is Shannon. I fell in love with Shannon as soon as she arrived here. She went straight to Al’s room and interacted with him, while he showed her all of his coca cola items. I could hear her making a fuss over each one as if she had never seen anything like it in her life. She left him to talk to me for a while. She said she was going through the ads,but before she started reading them, she prayed, that God would show and guide her to someone who needed her. The way she feels about life, and her complete attitude had won me over. Al liked her also, a good thing. She is going to be able to let me out of here once a week, and once a month I get a whole day, like eight hours.

The heating and air man came today because of an issue I was having. Not much wrong, but still the bill was pricey, as everything in the world is. Next my son called me and told me the price of the shingles for my roof was double what I was quoted.

After we hung up I called the store and they had only quoted me for half a roof. They forgot to times it by two, so my mind went into shock, as I knew I had no choice, as the old roof was torn off yesterday. He has left to pick up the shingles and other supplies, and Al is taking his nap, so the only thing I hear is silence.

I should be grateful, but I am not. I have this huge butterfly nest in my stomach, and my heart is hurting terribly. Not like a heart attack, but like a I am alone, and I am scared, and I am fidgety. The pain in my heart is from all the stress that has been building up for months. Agitated that I can find no comfort in anyone around me. irritated that it has taken so long to find a caregiver that actually wants to help me. Battling with my own edges of depression, fighting hard to keep my sanity. Leaning on God for anything I can grab a hold of. I feel like I am going to snap. My eyes feel like they are going to flood, but nothing happens. I feel helpless, not hopeless, but helpless. My age and diabetic issues keep me going backwards, forcing me into reality that I can no longer do the things I once used to do. That with age comes weakness of the body. I hate asking for anything in life.

I feel guilty because I feel bad. I have just found the perfect caregiver, and I know God has put the two of us together, but I still feel sick.

I don’t understand why I am the way I am. Trust in the Lord. Give him all of your worries, do not lean on anyone here on earth. God will take care of me and everything that I need he will be here for me. So why do I want to just lie down and cry my eyes out. Why is my heart acting like my brother is already gone, when he is sleeping in his own bed.

Is something catching up with me? Has something been following me for sometime and I am just now realizing it?

http://us.mg1.mail.yahoo.com

I went to my friend Aina’s blog, link above here, and I instantly felt more pain, but I forced myself to listen to her song she had on there. She was telling me about her two-hour walk, and the restaurant that she, herself, had picked out. She chose her own meal, and listened to the live band play. As I listened to the songs, and followed the words in them, utter loneliness crept inside my soul and heart. I wanted this. I wanted this so bad, I could almost taste it. I wanted to be around those people, listen to that music, eat my dinner with calmness.

I am where I am because this is where God hath placed me. I am doing the Lord’s work as he as asked me. Why can’t I be content. I need to stop! I need to think of others over myself. I have a job to do and a soul to look after. I am disgusted that I can possibly want more.

It has helped somewhat to write again my feelings, but the heart is still aching. The loneliness will turn into loud noises once the family is back. I can once again put all of this behind me and save it for another day.