Who I am

blackness all around. no matter where i am i lay in darkness. i lost it all. i was always afraid of losing, but i knew i couldn’t stop it. i prayed about it. please, god, take this idiotic thought process out of my mind and heart. i belong to you and you know when I am going to leave. But God,,,,,,,I don’t want to go. I have kids and grandkids. I want to see them grow up and get married. I want to have a relationship with a good guy God, before you call me. I have to finish what I have been doing here first. Please don’t take me now. why am i so scared? what is there to be scared of? how could i not be so excited about seeing you and seeing the beautiful house that i will live in? the tears…

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Do You Trust?

I walked out of church this morning, confused, and wondering where I had been hiding myself. I heard the sermon, but wasn’t sure if I really heard the sermon. I spent more time looking at the people around me. As I always get there a little early, I had time to scan people as they walked by me, looking at how they were dressed, watching them greet others whom they knew. Watching people catch up with others, sharing what had been going on that week. I felt, all of a sudden, very alone. A part of me wanted to have someone come to me and shake my hand and ask how my week went, but why would I really expect that? I hadn’t gone to this church very long, and I had already made my mind up that I was there for reasons other than myself. I was ashamed. Ashamed, that I lived in a bubble within the four walls of my home. Ashamed that I didn’t make myself get out and give people a chance to get to know me. I heard the last part of the sermon too clear. I didn’t want to hear it, but God, at that moment, made me hear it. It was the final sentence, that stirred me. I was paying attention. The minister asked the congregation, do you trust. Do I trust? Well, now why should I trust. That was a stupid question! All I had to do was go back a few years and see how my extended family had abandoned me after my father’s death. I could go into all sorts of reasons why, but I won’t. I didn’t have many friends. More social friends, but I knew I had one friend that had been there for me for many years. I have another friend who is allowing me to slowly open my heart and let feelings and words come out. God loves me. It doesn’t matter if family left me behind. God loves me for all my faults. I feel that God placed me where I am today, so I can be there for my brother. I have felt at times left out of life, feeling sorry for myself for not having a life like I used to. That one sentence, at the end of the sermon. shook me up. God planned for me to hear it, and he wanted me to think about how I felt about life. I put myself in a position to not praise God for what he is doing with me, but to ponder on what I didn’t have or wanted to change. I needed to walk out of the church confused. It helped me more than anything this week. I am loved. I am worthy. God is good. I have a wonderful life that only God could give. Thank you Lord for saving my soul, thank you Lord for making me whole.Trust? Yes, I trust God. I can do nothing without him