The Bully Within

My emotions are split in  half today. Part of me is feeling anxiety, nerves on high, and the other half is inner tears and a broken heart. I try very hard to get all of our errands run on one day, but it doesn’t always end up that way. Today, for example. He needed medications. I called them in, and told them we would be in to pick them up around 1. I told him that we had to leave but we would eat lunch at his favorite spot. He didn’t smile. We arrived at our location and he slowly got out of the car, stumbling and falling back into the car door. He looked at me, with a fearful look, like I was going to say something. I said nothing. I waited. We made it to the entrance door, and I held it open for him. He fell backwards into me. I caught him, saying nothing. He stumbled his way, swaying back and forth like he was slightly drunk towards the waiting chair. I got the medications. He had to use the restroom, and as he got up he swayed again. I took a hold of the back of his shirt and lightly hung on to it, hoping in some way, that light hold would hold him up. He got mad, and started crying. He turned to look at me with huge tears in his eyes telling me I was treating him like a big baby. As I kept my hold, I explained how I was trying to help him stand. He was angry at me, and minced no words, and his voice was starting to raise, which I should not feel this way, but I feel embarrassment, as I know people can  hear him. My heart is breaking, as I find it often does, because he doesn’t realize how very close he is to becoming wheel chair bound. He resents my help, and yet I can not listen to what he says for fear of him falling on the cement floor. I pray so hard and so often. God, hear me, hear my cry of despair! Please, help him. Help him to not have to suffer like this! You are a merciful God. You know how he suffers emotionally and physically. Why are you waiting to fix this?? Take his tremors and throw them into the heavens. Let him rest Lord. Bring a peace over him, like no peace he has ever found. I am sorry, my tears are fuzzing my sight. I must end this story now. We are home. Right now he has forgotten all. I checked on him, and he is sleeping, but the Parkinson tremors are very much alive. Good nite.

Who I am

Woke up this morning, to blue skies, warm air. Poured myself my first cup of coffee. Let my dog outside. Doing all the things without thinking, in a routine. I heard stirring coming from his room. He was up already. I needed time, space for me. I didn’t like it when I go from a zombie mode straight to a thinking mode. Blue skies, disappeared as I started preparing his breakfast, tending to all his needs first before I had even gotten to the point that my brain was functioning properly. My nerves started to unravel, and I was unable to get them back in control. I feel so guilty feeling this way. I love him, we are family. No more silence to ponder on today, barely time enough to thank God for letting me have one more day. I need a vacation, a break. I hear remarks about how…

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Who I am

He walked in the door with his head hanging low. he had a feeling he had never experienced before. his wife came to greet him but he walked on by leaving her standing as a ghost. the kids were fighting over a game but he didn’t hear. he walked through the bedroom that his wife shared with him past the bed and went through the bathroom door, locking the door behind him. his wife was softly knocking at the bathroom door asking him if he was alright. he wasn’t answering. she continued to knock with no reply. she walked out to the kitchen and called 911. she had never seen her husband this way. when EMS got there, it was too late. He had taken his pants off along with his belt. he had taken his belt and made a noose and hung himself. they found a scribbled note tossed…

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Who I am

Ball lying motionless on the ground, waiting for little hands to bring it to life. Stale leaves fluttering in the streets with no where to go. Cornfields all yellow and stiff, waiting for fresh turned earth. Blue skies with a tint of white shadowing among the naked branches of trees. As I take my morning walk, I sniff the air and I can smell spring coming. A fat robin is perched above me, singing, looking for a new nest for her young. I wave at a neighbor who is washing her windows. She waves back. I hear humming of chain saws off in the distance, clearing brush from the previous fall. It is wonderful to be alive. I thank God for allowing me to experience yet another day. God is good. Image

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Who I am

Patches of snow remain on the ground. The chill is in the air.Skies are gray with no hint of blue. Trees remind me of a spooky hallow ween night, bare, naked and cold. Dead leaves lying on the ground. House roofs covered with frost. Only green I see is shrubs that bring a bit of life to us. I am sitting here inside looking out my window.  I touch the window and I back off as the touch of cold hits my fingers. The air inside is dry and stale. O, to open the windows and receive that breath taking fresh air. To put shorts on, and rid of long pants. To have the smells of coconuts all over my skin as I soak up the rays of skin. There is hope coming my way today. I am so excited! I peeked out my window again, and I saw the…

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Who I am

Faces, mouths, some smiling some with frowns. Lips silent, lips apart, talking, chewing, smoking.People walking in both directions. Blurs in my vision. Fast pace. No one is slow. Hurrying off to work or school. Some with no place to go. The world is moving very fast. Politicians trying to catch your ear. God becoming a foreign word.Discoveries in foreign space. The whole world has become like a wild rat race. Technology advances faster than me. No more land lines, no more hand written letters. You are not hired with a greet and a meet. We will email you if you meet our need. Today there are thousands out of work. Not getting hired and willing to work. These people are the same age as I am today. Getting on bended knee, asking God to lead the way. Stop where you are.Tune the sounds out. Take a moment to find what…

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