Daily Archives: May 22, 2013

The Boogeyman

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Subconscience, what a long word. Not easy to say, and least of all not easy to understand.

Farnkenstein monster

My mind usually is spinning before it is connected to the fact that my eyes are open and I am sitting on the edge of the bed.

I wonder if that part of my brain parties through my sleep mode. Does the real truth come out?

Is what we say in our dreams really matter?

How many times is the truth that needs to be told hidden so deep within, that sometimes therapists can not even hold their breath long enough for the information to surface.

I know for me, the past three to four days, something has been going on inside my head while I am resting. Am I really resting though, or literally taking a break from stress and worries?

For the last few days I have had dreams where I wake up and am crying. I even took a nip at the Take A Nap bottle today, and when I awoke, my eyes were wet from tears.

What is it that is going on? Someone inside of me knows the truth, and yet I am still the last to know.

I dreamed one time I was married but had a ball and chain around my neck. I know that I am lonely for companionship of a nice guy, but I never really ponder on marriage. I know that if I had to remarry my ex, I would run quickly a way dragging that added weight with me.

I dreamed another time that I was divorcing something. It wasn’t human. It was ugly and huge in my mind. I remember crying because it woke me up. Whatever it was, it wouldn’t let me go. It was like a fierce ball of fire and no matter which way I turned it followed me.

I have been doing one thing that I thought I was healed from. Waiting for the boogey man to get me. When I was a very young child, and I was abused, it happened through the night hours.

There was also another time that made me afraid of the dark. I don’t know if this is what I have made me believe or if the reason was real. I can remember when I was brought back by the Welfare Department when I was around three years old I had to be very good and also quiet.

The motto for me in those young days was, children should be seen and not heard.

I can remember being put in the coat closet for a couple of days. Now my memory tells me that my Grandma said I was sick. I had chicken pox or something and darkness made it go a way.

All I know is that I was scared. I can remember it like it was yesterday. Sitting in the dark closet on the carpeted floor. Feeling the material of coat sleeves and scarves touching me. For years and years, I was afraid for it to get dark outside. I always thought the boogy man was coming to get me.

I have reasoned with myself so many hundreds of times. I told myself anything that would get me through the night. I would say things like

You are too ugly, no one would ever want you. You are too heavy, no one would stay at the window and stare at you. As soon as it breaks daylight, I can go to sleep.

I used to sit up with a knife in my hand when I was married and my husband worked thirds. I would stay up all night until I heard the birds sing then I could sleep. Finally I started having my daughter sleep with me. She replaced the knife.

When things got so bad that I thought I was going insane I sought help. This took a long time but I did get better. I am usually not bothered with the Boogy man anymore until recently.

I don’t want him back. In my reality I know that the friction of what happened this past weekend has done more damage to me than I thought. Dreams and Boogy man all come back.

I must be tired, in fact I know I am tired. I find myself taking naps more frequently. I have spent many hours on the phone making calls trying to get an XL size commode here for Al.

Medicare bought one for him last September, so now they won’t get him one for now. He has to have it. There is a weight limit to be able to get the bigger size and Al isn’t at that weight.

I am desperately trying to find this so I won’t have to clean up every time he potties. I am also trying to find a Lift Chair for him. With him only able to stand for a few moments and take about three steps before he is down, I thought a lift chair would be perfect.

Guess what? Another wall to run into. In order for Medicare or Medicaid to pay for one of these, he was to be able to walk with at least a walker.

I wish now that I would have given up on the Title of Help Pay This Big Bill and instead ask you to help me with donations for a lift chair. I don’t know the answers anymore. I just know that I am bumping into walls higher than I can climb.

I think in my eyes this is the beast that represents divorce and tears and the boogy man. Al wants to come home. I want him to come home. I want him to feel loved. He needs to feel loved.

I am tired of crying in my dreams, but can’t shed tears while I am a wake. I am tired of restless nights. I have made progress, and I am very thankful, but yet this shadow hovers over me.

Today I was able to get a hold of a company that will provide Al with his briefs,(adult diapers), bed pads, and gloves for me. His hospital bed and wheelchair have prescriptions now waiting for his return. He was let out of his cage and back into his room. This is all  progress, right? So what am I worrying or stressing about?

If God wants him to have an XL commode and a lift chair, he is going to  have to supply it. This is all I know anymore.

http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/too-much-pain-and-too-little-money/55964

The definition:

Part of Speech: adjective
Definition: innermost in thought
Synonyms: hidden, inmost, inner, intuitive, latent, mental, repressed, subliminal, suppressed, unconscious
Antonyms: conscious, outer

 

 
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Gamble

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When you know you should

But you don’t want to

You don’t have to

You don’t feel like it

Find someone else

To do the job

Get the raise

Do the work

Take a break

Sail the seas

Loaf the day

Wander a way

It all comes down

To what we want

What counts in life

What we want to hear

Where we want to go

Life is a room

Full of questions

Decisions and

When it is

All said and done

We can blame

No one

But ourselves

Or pat the back.

Terry Shepherd

The Gambler (album)

The Gambler

05/22/2013

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Daily Prompt;Goals

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English: The logo of the blogging software Wor...

http://dailypost.wordpress.com, DP, Daily Prompt

When you started your blog, did you set any goals? Have you achieved them? Have they changed at all?

When I first started blogging I was blogging with blinders on. I didn’t know what I was doing or what I was to be writing about.

What does a person write about when the one punching at the keyboard is so boring? I don’t write as an editor for some well-known magazine. No one even knows my name. I don’t even live in New York City.

I did know that I was sitting in front of my screen because I was called to do it. I went back to my very first post I published and found this. It is called Stillness and it went as this;

STILLNESS

He was young when he met her. Their eyes met, and it was love at
first sight. They spent every moment available to them being together,
holding, touching, kissing, going as far as they dare go. No one said a
word to let them know they were treading dangerous grounds. No one
warned them to keep a distance. All summer long they went swimming,
picnicking, exploring what life had to offer and each other. At year’s end
the thing  feared happened. She became pregnant. The fear rose in
her voice as she stuttered the news to him. What were they going to do?
What would they say? Now the parents stepped up. Shaming them, telling
them how bad they were. Both were kicked out of the comfort of their
homes. Forced to try to figure out how to survive. He got a dime store
job that paid little. She went on the system to help her eat. They lived
in an ally apartment. He was scared. Sorry he had ever done this to
himself, not thinking of her. One day while she was at the doctor, he
packed his few belongings and snuck off leaving her with nothing, the
same as he gave her when he entered her life. She came home to tell him
the baby would arrive within the next 24 hours. She heard silence, saw
nothing. She knew he was gone. During the night, the pain was horrific.
She got her coat on and went out into the darkness. She tried to walk to
the neighbor’s house to ask for help. Please help me with this
pain……….She never made it. She gave birth right there on the grass under
the huge oak tree. The cord was wrapped, the color was blue, there was
no sound. Silence and chill stayed with her forever more…………terry
shepherd

I could see it was me that had written it without even my name showing I knew. It has the same quality about life and people who my stories do today.

I started making some goals after I wrote a few posts. One was to help others learn that there is a caring God. Another was to show that even in our darkest moments God does not sway from us.

I am the first to show my weakness. I still gather my friends near me and ask for comfort. I have done some things with God’s help. I saved a person from committing suicide. I brought one person back to God who was seriously considering leaving him at the cross.

I still work on this same goal even though I have reached it. Because there is going to be a need for this until our very last breath on earth. We as a nation are hurting and confused. Many of us have struggles from our childhood or broken hearts.

I always refer back to we all want the same basic things. We want to know we are loved and cared about. So this goal will never stop as long as my fingers can type.

The other goal I made several months down the road has not happened as of yet. But I still keep my hopes high that I will see it one day.

This goal is to reach 1000 likes or clicks or comments in one day. I came close one time. I had 663 on one 24 hour period. I will keep working towards that.

So in the end, I have met some fantastic people. Some have come and gone. Others have stayed. Friendships have formed. I have talked to some over the phone. Others have made plans to meet. Some I have met.

It has been therapeutic for me, fun and a great learning experience. Thank-you God, friends, and WordPress.

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