On That Friday Afternoon

I have sort of stayed a way from WP the past two days. I began writing today. I wrote a couple of…

You Promised Me

Posted on June 16, 2013 by Who I am

You said you’d

Never leave me

You promised

Every time I asked

So why am I sitting

Here in my bedroom

Tucking my pillows

Around me hugging

Them close to me

You promised Daddy

You’d never go a way

You said I would

Always be your

Little girl your

Only one but

Mommy said

You went a way

That you had to

Go visit a new

Home way up

In the sky

You promised Daddy

You would never leave me

And yet here I sit with

Teary cheeks and red eyes

My heart is broken

You broke your promise

Daddy please come back.

Written by

Terry Shepherd

06/16/2013

On That Friday Afternoon

Posted on June 16, 2013 by Who I am

I have sort of stayed a way from WP the past two days. I began writing today. I wrote a couple of posts so that I could ease into writing this one.

People always told me that God will reveal everything in his perfect time. I remember just a short time ago when I blogged about the cross necklace appearing in my hand when I was awakened by something urging me to wake up. I know how it got there. It could have been no one other than God. That necklace had been in my jewelry box for almost two years.

Do you remember me telling you that Al was to go to a new Neurologist on this past Friday? I didn’t really want him to go. We had a neuro for some time and I was content with his words that he had done everything he could for Al, but he would remain a PRN doctor, as needed.

The weekend that Al had tried to harm himself the Psyche doctor wanted Al to have a second opinion. To say the least I fought it tooth and nail. What a waste of time I thought. But after speaking to a friend about it, I was reminded that it couldn’t hurt to have a second thought from another professional with many more years experience on him.

Well I met Al over at the doctor’s office Friday afternoon. I hadn’t remembered it but we had seen this doctor not long after Al had his heart attack. The doctor remembered Al and let us know we had been there prior.

He had so many reports from doctors and ER visits plus Al’s visit prior. He did a thorough exam and then asked me to come to his office. He left Al sitting in the waiting room while the two of us spoke.

He told me he had suspected Al had PD way back when and was amazed at how Al had declined in these few years. He added some more information to Al’s file and diagnosis and then asked me when Al was coming home. He asked me lots of questions.

When it was all done and the room became quiet, he began writing. He handed me one script. He added that there was no medications to give Al as there was nothing more to do. When I took the script from him and read it said, Hospice to be involved. High risk of aspiration.

I looked at him and said,” I have tried to get hospice involved before, but they always say the same thing, there is no ending date for Parkinson’s Disease.

He looked at me and said, “now there is.”

Silence filled the room and I stared at him. He said, “Al is pretty bad. His heart has taken a big toll. I have all of the reports here that confirm it. His central nervous system is out of whack. His next step will be aspiration. You need Hospice now.”

“But you must have six months or less before Hospice will take over.”

“He does have six months or less.”

Tears filled my eyes and I sat there weeping until I could go get Al with dry eyes. As I pushed him out of the office and down the long ramp, everything became clear. God was revealing to me so many things.

1. Al went to the nursing home so I could have a break. God knew that now Al could come home because I have had enough rest I can carry this out to the end.

2. I knew exactly why I had taken the foolish move to Florida. It was for Al, I was able to give him some of his best years of his life doing things he had never done before.

3. I had tried so hard to get a job but couldn’t land one for the life of me. Now I saw, my time will come to work, I need to be here for Al for a while longer.

4. The heavy sweating, the constant tears, the struggling to eat and swallow. The internal tremors, the trips to the ER, everything became clear.

God has been letting me know by all the signs that he was going to take Al home. God knows that Al doesn’t want to die at the nursing home, so now he has perfected the timing and is sending him home. Everything is clear. I can see God’s plan.

Friday of this week Al comes home. He will get his wish and be able to stay here for the rest of his life.

The doctor, specialist, that I fought so hard to not go, was something God knew that I needed to do. The questions that I had asked for so many months, God knew that I would get all of my answers on that Friday afternoon.

A Love Letter To Daddy

Posted on June 16, 2013 by Who I am

Dear Daddy,

It has taken me so long to get up the strength to write you this letter. Today, is Father’s Day and while many are celebrating I was not. Instead I spent the afternoon with your son, my brother at the nursing home.

He isn’t doing well Daddy. He is wanting to die and he wants to do it at home. I hope you understand why I placed him for these past few months. I just felt I couldn’t give him all he needed. I felt like he needed more than just my help. I do hope you understand.

I have missed you so much. It is so hard to believe that you have been gone six years this December. Where has the time gone? I guess when I look back I mourned for years. I think if I admit it I am still mourning for you today.

Right after you had your burial, Al had a heart attack. The doctors said that he had so much trouble expressing himself, his heart just couldn’t take what had happened. Ever since then Daddy I have been taking care of him. I promised you I would and I haven’t let you down.

I have been alright I guess. I have never been able to fill the void of you being gone, but I survive. I think of you at least once every day. I always tell myself that you watch over me. I can see you and Mom holding hands and looking down on Al and me.

Are you smiling? I know I disappointed you in so many ways and I am sorry, but I hope you are proud of me now. I have worked real hard at being the good girl you could smile down upon.

I bought a sketch pad today and some charcoal and sketch pencils. You remember Daddy? How you and I used to draw together? I am going to give it a shot without you. Every sketch I make will be done through my love for you.

Al is coming home this week and he says he is wanting to see you and Mom real bad. He says he misses you both and Granddad too. He told me Mom has said she is saving a spot for him, will you save a spot for me too?

You know that once Al is gone it will be me left from the family. Hold a spot close up there in heaven. I don’t want to be separated from the family ever again.

I miss you so much and I love you as much today as when I held you in my arms while you drifted off to heaven. I didn’t get to tell you enough how much I love you. I am hoping that while your spirit was rising that early morning that you heard me whispering in your ear that I love you and you were the best Daddy a girl could have.

Well, I better close for now before I start crying again. Give Mom a hug and a kiss for me and I shall see you both soon.

Your little girl,

Terry